Q & A with Perennial

Q & A with Perennial

Perennial (photo courtesy of the band)

 

Perennial hails from New England and makes intense, chaotic and beautiful noisy experimental art punk. They released their excellent second album, In The Midnight Hour, last year and I absolutely loved it. Ahead of their upcoming show in NYC, vocalist/multi instrumentalist Chad Jewett was nice enough to do a Q & A with me over email to talk about the band’s sound and influences and a bunch of other things. Take a read below and catch the band on Sunday 2/26 at Purgatory along with Frida Kill and Beeyotch.

 

 

Tell me a bit about the band, how you got started, who you all are, why you decided to form.

Perennial is Chelsey (electric organ & vocals), Chad (electric guitar & vocals) and Wil (drums). We’re all from Western New England. Perennial came from a really sincere desire to form the kind of band we all wished existed. There were all these artists and sounds and aesthetics that we really adored, and we formed Perennial as sort of an art project to put all of that stuff together: 60s soul and 90s Dischord stuff and free jazz and electronic music, and so on. We always dug bands that had matching outfits, so we have matching outfits! That sort of thing. When we’re designing flyers or album art we get to channel our love of French New Wave style, etc…

And finally, we wanted our live show to be the heart of what we do: something really dynamic and exciting and memorable. We play for about 20 minutes each time, and the goal is to never stop moving that whole time, to always make sure that whatever we’re doing on stage is exciting and engaging for the folks kind enough to watch us play. We want to earn the time people give us.

 

I know it’s perhaps a bit trite to ask about influences but I genuinely always want to know. I hear a bit of Q and Not U and Black Eyes in your sound, are those bands or that “crew” of Dischord bands something that has informed your work or is that me projecting a bit? I also hear elements of the hardcore/jazz fusion of The Plot To Blow Up The Eiffel Tower in songs like “Lauren Bacall in Blue,” and “I Am The Whooping Crane”

All three of the bands you mentioned are huge influences, and honestly are pretty foundational to our starting the band: 90s Dischord, the more angular post-hardcore and dance-punk stuff of the early 2000s; those are the sounds and bands and aesthetic movements that we’re enamored with. We’re so glad you mentioned the jazz elements on the new record. That was a big focus for us crafting In The Midnight Hour as an album: making a punk record that could also bring in all these other sounds and approaches and layers.

In terms of influences, I’ll try to keep the list as brief as possible, knowing of course that it could be a thousand bands long!
The Blood Brothers, MC5, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Hives, Otis Redding, The Jam, Stereolab, Wilson Pickett, Small Faces, Ornette Coleman, Black Eyes, Beat Happening, Q and Not U, Sam Cooke, The Make-Up, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Eric Dolphy.

 

 

You put out your second album last year, In The Midnight Hour, which I really loved! What was the process of getting that together like with the pandemic looming/in full force? Did that affect anything in terms of the writing or recording process? I imagine that must have been pretty hard if not impossible to ignore. 

Thank you! We’re so glad to hear you dig the record! We had the album about three-quarters finished before the pandemic hit. Once it did we took a step back from actively recording for safety’s sake and didn’t really return to the studio until months later. That was hard, as was not being able to play shows for a while since live performance really is our raison d’être, but it did mean that we were able to really listen to everything just for the sake of listening. It forced us to pause and give what we had a bit of time to settle in our minds and to see what we liked and what we might want to update. So once we were back in the studio in 2021, there were some choruses we changed, or parts we substituted or different approaches to sounds to finish the album. The album we ended up putting out was better for having the extra time to just sit with it.

 

What is your song writing process like? There’s a lot going on in the songs, how do you determine who does what for each?

Generally one of us will come to practice with an idea: it can be a riff or a vocal part or even just a goal, like “I want something that sounds like The Clash,” and then the rest of us start helping build it from there. For the recorded versions of songs it’s the same philosophy: we think of the songs as collages that we’re all adding elements to. Chelsey has suggested drum parts; Wil has written guitar riffs, etc…

The live versions of songs are generally more minimal; more immediate and streamlined. Chelsey and I are generally running around and jumping off of things and dancing, so we condense the more complicated stuff and keep the heart of what the song is.

 

What are your plans in 2023? Any new music in the works?

We have a few East Coast tours of varying duration planned for the summer and autumn, and we’re currently working on the full-length follow-up to In The Midnight Hour.

We also may or may not have a 7” that we may or may not be announcing soon.

 

Perennial live Perennial (photo courtesy of the band)

 

What music/artists/books/podcasts/shows are you excited about right now?
Right this minute I’ve been listening to a lot of Saint Etienne, The Jam, Sonny Rollins and Blur. I just got done reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte for the first time, which was a trip. I’m currently reading a book about the history of London, which is really interesting. Chelsey is currently reading Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang. My podcast routine is pretty much The Best Show, Comedy Bang Bang, some educational stuff like In Our Time, and the occasional music podcast.

 

What do you get up to besides the band?
We’re all pretty avid film and literature buffs. Chelsey and Wil are also big Nintendo devotees. Mostly we read books, listen to records, hang out with Perennial’s mysterious fourth member, Wasabi the Cat.

 

Are you involved in any other projects musically or otherwise?

It’s pretty much Perennial! We average around 4-5 shows a month and are in various stages on two different recording projects for Perennial, so it takes up a lot of our creative time and energy. Luckily, we really did start this band as something flexible enough aesthetically to be able to explore and try out lots of different artistic ideas, so it works nicely that way.

 

Perennial

 

The world is a tough place these days, it’s hard to stay motivated a lot of the time. How do you stay inspired to keep going despite all the bullshit of life and the challenges of being independent musicians?

Honestly, a huge part of it is the three of us love being around one another, love making music together, love driving to shows and eating snacks at 1a.m. and looking at one another right after playing and enjoying that feeling that we all put our all into those past 20 minutes. I never get sick of working on Perennial. It’s a joy for us.

Any parting thoughts?

Thank you for the great questions!

 

 

In The Midnight Hour is available now via Bandcamp.

 

 

 

 

TDA, Pons, Venus Twins, Theophobia @ The Broadway

TDA, Pons, Venus Twins, Theophobia @ The Broadway

Tits Dick Ass at The Broadway (photo by Kate Hoos)

 

Love was in the air on Valentine’s Day at The Broadway. Love of noise, love of punk, love of chaos, love of radical queerness and much much more. So you know it was exactly my kind of Valentine’s party and exactly the kind of night that fuels my fucking life-force. On the bill were two of my Brooklyn favorites—Pons and Venus Twins (who were a last minute addition after another band dropped off)—as well as Tits Dick Ass who had been on my list to catch for a while, and Theophobia who I had previously been totally unfamiliar with.

 

Theophobia kicked off the night, and the electro pop rock project—Dylan Mars Greenberg on synth/vox and Matt Ellin on guitar/vox—were as much musical theater as a band. They put on an endearing and highly energetic set filled with hilarious interludes and stage banter (the band has been together for 75 years, they have it mastered!) with videos by Greenberg projected behind them. It was the perfect primer for the night.

 

Venus Twins hit the second slot of the night and hot daaaaamn, they never disappoint! I’ve seen this band many times now and they are a well oiled noise machine, a swirling chaos kept just at the edge of control, hammering your heart and your mind with the sheer levels of their wicked intensity. This was a treat in that I had just seen them the week before (see pics) and didn’t find out til I was heading out the door to go to the show that they would be playing for a big added bonus to an already stacked show.

 

Pons is another band I have seen many times now and the potent no-wave trio has also never let me down. And on this night, they were more incendiary than I’ve ever seen them, an explosive current bubbling just below the surface that boiled over during their last song, a massive vortex of noise flying out from the stage that culminated with guitarist Sam Cameron literally r i p p i n g all of the strings right off of his guitar to signal the end of the set. I needed a minute to catch my breath afterwards, holy fuck!

 

Pons performing

Pons at The Broadway

 

Tits Dick Ass closed out the night and were celebrating the release of their debut single, “Girlfriend From Hell,” which came out later in the week. TDA has been creating a buzz in the local scene for the last year or so and had been very high up on my list to see but something kept getting in the way every time I planned to go see them (mostly work, the downside of working nights). I was stoked to finally break the missing streak and was definitely not disappointed!

 

Here’s what I had to say about the new single in our Single Serve column last week:

The Brooklyn based band has made quite the splash on the NYC scene in the last year with their live shows attracting bigger and bigger crowds and for good reason, they are unabashedly queer as fuck with a stage presence that is massive paired with a ferocious sound; they hit in all the best ways. Now they have released their debut single, the no-wave punk ripper, “Girlfriend From Hell,” which is also the first taste of their upcoming debut album, Burn A Bitch, due out this spring on House of Feelings. Despite not having synths, it reminded me a bit of the synth punk nightmare classics of Screamers and definitely is a kindred spirit to the freaky outsider no-wave and punk of the late 70s and early 80s. The song features a video that was filmed at local venue Rubulad and directed by filmmaker Dylan Mars Greenberg️️️. A companion remix was also released alongside the song for acidic and cool re-interpretation that feels downright dystopian. Read an interview with the band here.

 

There was a little bit of technical difficulty with Julia Pierce’s guitar that took a minute to sort out at the start of the show and as she was fixing that, an audience member jokingly yelled “now you’re just edging us!” which was met with very hearty laughs. It was a minor delay though and things quickly got moving. From then on out, start to finish their set was indeed, massive and queer as fuck, nothing short of ferocious in absolutely the best and most cathartic ways possible. Bassist Seth Sosebee was in and out of the crowd numerous times, driving the energy up to a wild fever pitch and drummer Tom Person hammered a hard driving beat behind Pierce’s buzzsaw guitar and awesome vocal attack. This is a band that knows how to work a room and I suspect it will only be a matter of time before those rooms begin growing in size.

 

You can sum this night up like this “punk as fuck// queer as fuck” and as far as I’m concerned, you can’t ask for a better way to spend Valentine’s Day than that.

 

Watch the video for “Girlfriend From Hell” below. Scroll down for pics of the show (photos by Kate Hoos)

 

 

 

THEOPHOBIA

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

Theophobia performing

 

VENUS TWINS

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

Venus Twins performing

 

 

PONS

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

Pons performing

 

 

TITS DICK ASS

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

Tits Dick Ass performing

 

 

 

Bratmobile Is Back!

Bratmobile Is Back!

Bratmobile (photo courtesy of the artist)

 

Bratmobile, the seminal feminist punk band, hasn’t performed together publicly in over 20 years. That is soon to change as the band will be one of the headliners for this year’s Mosswood Meltdown taking place July 1-2 in Oakland, CA. Other performers include LeTigre, Gravy Train!!!!, ESG, Mika Miko, Cumgirl8, Snooper and many more, John Waters will continue his hosting duties. See below for full lineup/poster.

 

As of now the show is a one-off and original guitarist Erin Smith will not be appearing on stage with the band due to other commitments, but here’s hoping we see more from this legendary group with Smith back in the fold in the very near future!

 

 

The band shares:

“Bratmobile is excited to announce our first public show in a long time on July 2, 2023, at the Mosswood Meltdown festival in Oakland, CA. It’s been more than 20 years since our last tour, and life has changed and grown in many ways. In 2019, we got the original lineup back together to play a big birthday party for our band sister, Tobi Vail of Bikini Kill. After the show, we talked about playing again, but it wasn’t the right time, and then… 2020. Now we are both living in Los Angeles, and when the opportunity to play this special show in one of our hometowns came up, we decided to go for it. Guitarist Erin Smith, unfortunately, has other commitments and won’t be able to join us at this time, but we’re hoping we’ll be able to play together with her again in the near future. We will be playing this show with a few other people—Rose Melberg on guitar, Audrey Marrs on keys, and Marty Key on bass-—who will try to fill the gap and honor her riffs. We hope to see you at Mosswood!

 

Mosswood Meltdown

 

 

Listen to some of our absolute favorite Bratmobile songs:

 

 

 

Video Premiere- Desert Sharks “Sleepy Pie”

Video Premiere- Desert Sharks “Sleepy Pie”

Desert Sharks (photo by Julia Durr)

 

Desert Sharks, the long running gloomy grunge punks from Brooklyn recently announced a brand new EP, The Tower, due out 3/31 on Substitute Scene and just released the first single “Sleepy Pie” along with a brand new video directed by Jeanette D. Moses. FTA is excited to give you an exclusive first look!

 

On this track, the band leans a little towards their goth side (or a little more towards it since it’s always been there on the fringes) and tells the tale of a dream girl who is a “flesh and blood fantasy.” The video pairs perfectly with the song and sees a seemingly normal sleepover in a bright, neon bedroom—with the band cheekily playing the parts of their formerly teenage selves—quickly descend into something much darker and more sinister. Watch the video below to see all the drama play out.

 

 

Since releasing their excellent 2019 album Baby’s Gold Death Stadium, the band has changed lineups and has added Cait Smith on rhythm guitar and backing vocals; these are her first recordings with the band. The pairing of her harmony vocals alongside bassist Stephanie Gunther’s rich and strong alto is an awesome addition to their sound, fitting perfectly with the sonic punch of Sunny Veniero’s lead guitar attack and Rebecca Fruchter’s always rock solid drumming.

 

Desert Sharks performing

Desert Sharks performing

Desert Sharks live (photos by Kate Hoos)

 

Check out the album art and track listing below. Catch the band on 2/23 at Our Wicked Lady.

 

Desert Sharks- The Tower

Desert Sharks The Tower

  1. Medusa
  2. Sleepy Pie
  3. Emotional Breakdown
  4. Ego Death
  5. Shadows
  6. The Tower

 

 

 

“Give Up” Track By Track

“Give Up” Track By Track

 

Sometimes the passage of time feels so slow and yet so fast, so infinite, so undefinable. I am perhaps feeling that more than ever now that I’m in my 40s and time seems to keep barreling forward whether I like it or not. (Truth be told, aging doesn’t really bother me, I don’t mind my salt and pepper hair or that I now get to laugh at myself while being the cranky older person who tells “when I was your age” style stories.) I’m also feeling it as a lot of landmark albums of my adolescence and young adulthood are starting to have 20th, 25th, and 30th anniversaries. I’ve spent more than half my life with some of these records; they’ve defined huge parts of my musical tastes and shaped large parts of who I am and how I see the world.

 

So it would happen that I’m feeling that way now as I think back to some 20 years ago, to the day I was handed a burned CD by a girl I had a brief college fling with (that of course ended badly) who said “it’s the guy from Death Cab, it sounds like Nintendo.” It was a copy of Give Up and I had no idea at the time what I was holding in my hands. Indie rockers doing side electro things doesn’t seem so unusual now, or even electronics being heavily incorporated into a main project, but back then it felt like something new and exciting, some uncharted territory we were setting off to explore.

 

Stereogum posted a great article last week that gives more details behind the making of the record. It talks background and gives a bit of a history of that time, recalling things I had either forgotten or never knew because I was just dipping my toes into the waters of more subtle indie as a sound (versus the concept of a release being called indie purely for being on an independent label) at the time this was released after years of coming from grunge, punk and DIY removed from the “indie as a sound” style bands. I had been exposed to a few electronic things via artists like Le Tigre (and Kathleen Hanna’s lo-fi electro solo album as Julie Ruin before that) and Atom and his Package, and I took a very early shine to the Gorillaz pretty much from day one, but other than that, I really didn’t put much stock in electronic music at all. Give Up was the first album that was less “these people from punk/rock bands are making a side thing for fun so it’s acceptable to me” or “a guilty pleasure since ‘Song 2’ is cool” and more “I really could get into electronic music.” In the years that followed I explored a lot of ambient and downtempo artists, trip-hop and other genres alongside what would become “Big Indie,” as the Stereogum article calls it, only returning to straight up punk and heavier music again around 2010.

 

Though most people think I’m “just a punk,” this is an important album in my musical journey and development and more than that, it had a massive cultural impact. To quote Chris Deville of Stereogum “Even those who think the album is wimpy or chintzy or radically front-loaded, you can’t deny its anthropological impact,” a statement I think is super on point.

 

I listened to the album on and off over the years, but I realized it had been a while since I’d listened to the whole thing front to back. With the 20th anniversary looming, I figured it was time to sit down with it once again and type up some thoughts on each track. These are random thoughts and silly anecdotes, and much like my sprawling track by track of Green Day’s 1994 landmark album Dookie, it is meant to be personal. This is not presented as fact or a monolith or “music journalist talk” or anything of the sort. Other people have written really good articles of that nature about this album and you should read those too. (I linked the recent Stereogum article, just google the rest, they are out there.) I’m not that great with that stuff anyway and love a nice bit of gonzo journalism so that’s why I write the way I do. And besides, with albums that resonate so personally and have so many memories around them, it really is the only way I know how to approach them. I have a lot of thoughts on a few of the songs, more sparse thoughts on others. I just kind of let it come to me as I was listening.

 

You may feel entirely differently about these songs and that’s okay! That’s the beauty of the music we love, it is so damn personal to the listener. Here’s what I think and feel about these songs, tell me what you think in the comments.

 

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight. Listening to this song now, I can’t help but think back to those salad days of 2003 and first hearing it. I’m thinking back fondly to it as entry way for something different, the first cracking open of a door into an entirely new world.

 

Such Great Heights. You all know it. I don’t have to tell you about it. It has been everywhere in the last 20 years and it is honestly just such a timeless song, embedded so deeply in our culture and consciousness that it feels like it has always just been there.

 

But if you didn’t hear this song for the first time in 2003, it is hard to describe what that felt like; it really was something so far out of left field at the time, it felt like something brushing the edge of radical. What I didn’t know at the time was that it would go on to usher in a sea change in my own music tastes and flip them very much on their head. And even more than that, the overall impact it would have on popular music as a whole and that it would mark the start of relatively small, niche and regional indie rock bands evolving into “Big Indie.” I don’t think anyone realized that was what this was at the time. At all. The enduring classics never really feel that way in the moment though, like they are shifting culture, we just listen to them and something intangible takes hold. I’m a bit too young to know what hearing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” felt like at the end of 1991 (I was only 10 at that time and didn’t hear the song until probably sometime in 1992 or even 1993, my memory is a bit hazy) but I can imagine it was something like this. A seismic shift happening that you just knew but couldn’t quite describe.

 

In any case, it still sounds fresh and relevant today, like it could have been released last week; very few songs have that kind of staying power or impact (I feel similarly about “Hypnotize” by the Notorious B.I.G.). This song also has the best fadeout, and even having heard it thousands of times by now, I still hang on to every note, often leaning my head to the side in a physical gesture to try to grab every last drop of sound possible.

 

Sleeping In. Let me be the first to tell you that I absolutely LOVE sleeping in and am not now, nor have I ever been a morning person. This song could be my theme song with the (admittedly rather basic) lyrics, Don’t Wake Me I’m sleeping In. That is if I hadn’t had an irrational dislike of this song for a long time. I know this is stupid, oh believe me I know how stupid it is, but I took issue with this song when it first came out because in it, Ben Gibbard makes reference to Lee Harvey Oswald having killed John F. Kennedy, a common and often said thing. They even teach you that in history class (not that that is any measure of what is “accurate” or not). No biggie right?

 

Oh no, not to me at 22. I was obsessed with the JFK assassination for a long time and particularly so in this era. I read endlessly and watched everything I could on it and I firmly believed (as I still do now) it was the CIA and Lee Harvey Oswald was exactly what he said he was, a patsy. (I am not joking when I say that I got a copy of the Warren Commission report for my 23rd birthday, not even a little bit.) I was so rigid in this belief that I was offended someone would DARE to put such a claim in a song! What the hell BG?! Wow, that was ridiculous to even type that out! But it was true at the time. Now I’m like, can I just go back in time to say to myself “Jesus Christ kid, relax, it’s just a song and the phrasing fit the rhyme scheme, there’s plenty of better things to be angry at.” Ah the follies of (a very nerdy) youth! (I was also offended when Death Cab signed to a major label after Transatlanticism, but got over that in time too. It was the tiiiimes man, what can I say?)

 

Oh and just to clear it up, I’m not a big conspiracy theory person at all, I never really read up much on any of the other myriad ones floating around about any number of things, the JFK one is just so enduring and it fascinated me as a kid so I read a lot about it. I haven’t read much on it in the last 15 years or so and if someone said “Oswald did it” in a song now, I’d just shrug.

Nothing Better. These lyrics…………..I thought they were a bit off then and I have to say 20 years on, I still think they’re a bit cringey. But I guess I have to ask myself, is that a fair assessment given the fact that they seem to start out as typical sad white indie boy “woe is me a girl dumped me” fare before the counter point of Jenny Lewis kicks in to set said sad white indie boy straight? That is something that was not usual in songs of this type then, before then, or even after then aka now. I think of it like this…yes the lyrics are a bit cringe but songs like this, and countless others, are more a product of their time when “I’ll make you see you were wrong” low-key misogyny like this from men was the norm; not accepting no for an answer during a breakup has spawned tens of thousands of sad songs about that fact so this is hardly out of the realm of normal.

 

All that being said, this is by far not the worst example I could point to of men bitching about a woman leaving them and the point and counter point narrative is certainly refreshing and even funny. The music for this one isn’t my favorite but the boopy bassline in the chorus still hits.

 

Recycled Air. Many a late night was spent by me (and many others I’m sure) laying in bed staring at the ceiling contemplating my young life and “what does it meeeean” with the subtle pleasant lull of this song. Ah yes, more of those follies of youth.

 

Clark Gable. Sorry not sorry, this one was cheesy in 2003 and it’s still cheesy now. From the lyrics to the music, and the delivery that tries way too hard, this one falls flat and is pretty much filler. But in the sage words of Primus, they can’t all be zingers.

 

We Will Become Silhouettes. Give Up really plays out in three arcs and unfortunately falters in the middle of the album. This song is firmly in arc two (aka the “less strong” songs) and also borders right on the edge of cheesy, though doesn’t fully fall in like “Clark Gable” does; it has some redeemable moments. I have often wondered if this record would have been better as a six song EP with just the first two songs, “Recycled Air” and the last three songs, all of which have had the most impact overall for me. We’d have never known the difference if the other four weaker songs weren’t included (okay, okay, “Sleeping In” can be included as a bonus track) and probably were spared from the “limited edition vault clearing” of having them released a few years later and sold for a lot more money when it became apparent a second album was never going to happen. I guess we’ll never know.

 

This Place Is A Prison. I always liked the darker tone of the music on this one and the inclusion of live drums in particular which were played by Gibbard himself (he drummed on very early Death Cab releases too). I still feel this way about the social rat race. Unfortunately for 22 year old me, I can’t go back and tell her that a lot of other shit is going to get better, but this isn’t going to be one of them!

 

Brand New Colony. So much pining for so many girls over the years to this one, can’t even tell a lie! I’m sure Ben Gibbard knew he was inspiring lots of pining indie rock boys with this but did he think of the lesbians too?! Even if he didn’t, he gave me the best sappy goo to think about crushes endlessly to with the line I want to take you far from the cynics in this town /And kiss you on the mouth / We’ll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene / Start a brand new colony

 

It also sounds probably the most like Nintendo on the album so my old fling was correct in her assessment. (I never pined for her to this song for the record.)

 

 

Natural Anthem. This song closes the record and is a bit of a tough one for me, even today. The same year this was released, an old high school boyfriend, who I had remained friends with and who was supportive of me when I came out, died of an OD. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time because I never knew he had a problem, he kept that hidden from me. Then all of a sudden he was gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye; I took it very hard. (We were always friends, but in sporadic contact by then. It was the days before social media and I was a late adopter of cell phones. I didn’t find out until 10 years later that he had been to rehab more than once in an attempt to save his life and that’s probably why I didn’t hear from him.)

 

Then in 2004, another high school friend took his own life after dealing with similar substance problems. His wake was the eeriest experience of my life up until that point. Total silence, the grief of his family so massive and the situation so unfathomable, it was deafeningly loud, a vacuum of despair. Not long after that I was listening to this song for the first time and a profound wave of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. (For some reason this song had not been included on the burned copy of the CD I was initially given so I didn’t hear it until I bought an official copy of the album later.)

 

The song has forever made me think of the boundaries between life and death, the unsettling feeling of that wake, and the guilt I felt not being able to save my ex in particular, replaying in my mind as the simulated strings and acidic synths paraded onward with the drum n bass style beat. In these sounds a picture formed in my mind, I could see my friends transcending one phase of existence for another, fading off into the ether. I mostly think of Ben Gibbard when I think of this album (I’m sure I’m hardly alone there), but it was Jimmy Tamborello who hit me the hardest of all with this one.

 

I don’t know what this song is even about, I’m sure it is about something specific, but I don’t even hear or process the words when Gibbard starts to sing, it is imbedded so deeply in me that this is a song about my friends dying and moving on to the next life. The long instrumental intro—that goes on for nearly four minutes—is what gets me every single time, even two decades later. I see my friends shifting from one plane to another, from life to death, forever those young guys, robbed of the middle age I’m now living—one goofy and an overly confident schemer, one reserved and taciturn—moving to enter eternity.

 

 

Give Up was released on 2/18/2003 via SubPop.